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What Reality Is This Again?

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This page, my friends, brings new light to "What Reality is This Again?".

Though this page is quite a bit more personal than the last two, it's just as mindblowing-if not more so than a lot of the snippets so far.

That said, it goes in the order that the sessions happened, and they each get more mind-blowing as they go.

Don't have too much fun :D 

 

What is EMDR

The short answer is: it's basically like hypnotism, but not. 

You go into a trance-like state to bring up the memories using devices to keep you focused. My Therapist uses a headset that alternate beeping, and little handheld devices that alternate vibrating. This keeps the moments clear and allows you to bring out the full force of the moment and emotions associated with it. In my experience, it helps recall the experiences with the most honesty as well. 


To The Right -->

Here was a session I was dreading. One I knew was going to leave an emotional impact on me like none had yet. I thought the bullying was going to be easy to get through, but that one really got to me! So why wouldn’t the EMDR session for the first man to prove how evil the world was to me drag me into the pit past Hell I’d just escaped?

EMDR: Daddy Issues

Part 1: Recalling memories (It gets better I promise!)

There was a short montage. We were little, and Norm was putting grape designs on the bathtub. Sometimes we’d go boating, and I vaguely remember playing out in the yard sometimes… He wasn’t really home much, so onto the next years. There were times when mom and dad were fighting. I remember things being thrown, and my older sister and I gathering the girls to watch t.v. . . . Then being sat down - months? … Years? - later to be told they were getting a divorce. It’s getting hard to remember things now. Full weekends where we’re kicked into the mistress’s back yard, full of lies and hateful words towards my mom and her side of the family, and my oldest sister. Being used to get dates for him, Mostly he just worked on his boat or slept around. Here’s a memory! When my older sister tells him of his son. How he molested her. Touched her, and made her touch him. How that’s what caused her anorexia. Knowing that she just needs support! Surely he! - But he yells at her! How dare she do this to him! She can’t tell anyone else or it’ll ruin his son’s life! He talks her out of testifying. Then one of my younger sisters comes forward with the same news. He calls her a liar. She’s only saying this for attention! His son goes to jail. Norm Bails him out. Many. Times. 

I open my eyes and tell my therapist, We do it again.

*******************************************************************************************

Part 2: Was That Allowed?

I run through the same memories fast (there really aren’t many more), and end up punching Norm in the face and breaking his nose - 

Wait! - I open my eyes - Is this okay? 

My therapist is proud, so okay. I go back in.

*******************************************************************************************

Part 3: Beat the Shit out of Him

I don’t hold back. There’s a chair, then a bat, then I use my own hands. I use different weapons! Get to feel his flesh break beneath my nails. Feel and hear the crunching of his innards with my blows. Getting this frustration out isn’t as satisfying as I thought though… Now I’m in my car driving down the road, and there he is! Am I going too far? Eh, fuck it. This is my imagination and he needs to get out of it. So I turn my wheel and hit the accelerator. It’s so freeing so beautiful! So much fun! I get a few inches away from him and shrug. I turn my wheel and drive away, he’s not worth it. 

… 

He’s! Not! Worth! It!!!

What? … !!!!

I open my eyes and tell my therapist. We’re both blown away! And proud as fuck!

It was all so… anticlimactic and heavy-duty climatic at the same time!

Alright! Time to add someone from my support group! Who shall I add? 

*******************************************************************************************

Part 4: Mrs. Potts

This one goes a bit fast as well but was also the only part where I actually shed any tears. She’s there, in the empty seat at all my performances. All my accomplishments. Dumps boiling tea on Norm’s son’s head, rips Norm a new one when my older sister confides in him, then dumps tea on HIS head, and again when my younger sister comes forward. She makes us cloths since no child support is ever paid. She comforts me through my bullying and cheers us on. She rips every single family, person, town, or church that treated us like shit for being his children a very big new for their hypocrisy. Through everything! She. Was. There.

-Whatrealityisthisagain








EMDR: Dracula Stops the Bleeding

In my conscience moments, I saw blood flying, roofing raining around me. Heard gunshots echoing. My two assaulters, I remember, were suddenly torn off me - one thrown across the room, the other pinned against a wall, and I vaguely remember seeing John Wick walk passed the open door as he was clearing the remaining rooms. 

They came for me. They came… to save … me!” I remember realizing in between wakefulness as I started to sober up.

I watched as Dracula tore out the unknowing monster’s heart after seeing my state, but not before pulling the monster’s toy(penis) from its body and stuffing it down the nightmare’s throat. 

Now.

I went there to celebrate a horrifying depression episode coming to an end… so … why? WHY! Why did it end with my friend and a man I didn’t even know raping me? WHY

I’d never had sex before, were their touches supposed to linger? Flashbacks kept flooding my mind! I had no break from the visions of that night racing across my eyes like flashes of lightning, and with them, I relived the whole thing. I relived the celebration, I relived the moments of consciousness after! I relived the smells, and the breaths, and the sounds, and the feelings, and each. And. EveryTouch

Dracula watched over me as I couldn’t sleep, and soothed me through the night. And to be honest, it helped. When I closed my eyes he would talk over the terrible noises with his own soothing sounds. He’d cuddle to me in wolf form and how to keep me present and mourn my pain. Or to a bat to fly with me through my daily tasks. Then, when I’d relive the experience with my eyes open, he brought me back by gazing into my eyes with his own. I don’t care if he’s using hypnotism or mind control because! It. Helped! 

But, Dracula could smell my blood, and hear my scrubbing and scratching. He sensed my pain…. So, instead of letting me deal with it - instead of letting me continue to hurt myself, he took a chance. This chance could have thrown me deeper into the fog, could have caused me to cast him away! But he took it anyway. 

“May I replace their touch?” He asks me quietly as he gently takes my hands to stop my scrubbing. Too exhausted to be shocked, and too desperate to be scared all I can do is weakly nod at his request.

After that, any time a flashback invaded, he was there. He saved me, then he healed their touches with his own. Somehow, even the smells and sounds were drawn away with his touch, like a magnet or a vacuum sucking up the remaining dirt in my subconscious.

And even since then, the moment the horrors came back, Dracula was there to replace them. He and Wonder Woman continue to break through the flashbacks before they have a chance to start even a year after that session. 

-Whatrealityisthisagain

<-- To The Left

This was the session I felt strong enough to go over my rape for the first time since it happened. 

Did you just get the chills?

I sure as hell did.

But it really is worth the read! The outcome is . . . WOW!

The "I can't believe this is all it took" Conversation

To the Right -->

Join me for the Tea Party you never dreamed of!

Because I did ;b

EMDR: Tea Party

I walked through the trees and foliage to the sandy beach of my beautiful little island. 

 

Candles lit were lit atop a large table set with the dishes for our tea party. Many of the guests already gathered around it waiting for me. 

 

It’s been especially rough - no. No, This past year, has been torment at its finest. I was so beyond done with this world. So beyond done with letting people down. Beyond done with fighting! Done with not being enough! Done with helping for nothing in return! Done with pain! Done with being angry! Or tired! Or hurt! Or lied to! Or taken advantage of! Or complaining! I hate myself, and here! Here I could let it all out. Mrs. Potts led my sobbing shell to the table and sat next to me. The anger and fog turned away by the warmth of Mrs. Potts’ loving embrace. 

 

I sobbed and I screamed! 

“WHY AM I SO WEAK! WHY COULDN’T I FIGHT BACK!”

“Amber, you couldn’t stay conscious let alone fight!” Mercy Thompson said. As she spoke, I knew Stephan joined Dracula and John Wick as they patrolled the island. I was sure Dracula had a thought or two about the “Shaggy” garb his fellow vampire wore. Might the Mystery Machine be nearby? 

“You did” I retort. She could at least say no! 

“I’m the daughter of a God and turn into a coyote. I have an unfair advantage.”

“You still fight and win against everything that’s stronger than you!” I sniff.

“I’d never be able to do it by myself. I have an army of powerful friends. You survived on your own, without much help at all really.” This made me pause. She isn’t right . . . I had to have . . . Is she?

“It’s true,” Diana says. 

“You never would have let this happen . . .” I say to my hero, she must be so ashamed of me . . . 

“Amber, I was trained by an Island full of Amazons - a race of warriors created by the gods - for thousands of years. I was sheltered but trained to be the best. You were never given that privilege. You were never given the opportunity to learn to fight, let alone defend yourself.” We never did have the money to stay in self-defense or karate for long....

“Everyone here had others to rely on, my dear. You only had you.” Mrs. Pott says as she squeezes my hand. 

“She’s right,” Belle says as she emerges from the foliage. Mrs. Potts scoots over a chair to give Belle the one to my right. “No one at this table could have gone through what you have and stayed together for nearly as long.”

“You were bullied by an entire town, too.”

“I had papa. You grew up raising your sisters. You always had to put on a smile for them. Work hard for them. Show them that they could be happy with everything going wrong. That they could be confident even when they felt wrong. You were their example, you made sure they grew up. No one made sure you did. You are strong in so many more ways than you could imagine!”

“A lot of help that’s done me . . . I’m the least accomplished of all my sisters” I can’t keep the tears from flowing, my hatred of myself is growing as I think of my sisters graduating college, going off into the navy, supporting each other and getting out of the cage that we were confined to. . . That I’m still confined to . . . “I got straight A’s just to work at a call center. It didn’t get me any scholarships. I was supposed to be the most accomplished. Everyone expected so much more of me, and now I’m just -”

“Amber. We’re proud of you for being you, not what everyone expects you to be.” Diana cuts me off. That’s . . . I’ve always dreamt of hearing those words. Does this mean I am good enough the way I am?

“I hate this world!” I say. “I hate this life! The world sucks! To stop from being depressed all the time and trying to kill myself I’m angry! And it’s turning me into something that I can’t control, and honestly, sometimes I’m okay with it. It makes the hurt less! This world doesn’t deserve me! I hate it! And I’m sick of everything and all the broken promises and betrayals in it!”

“You don’t have to become a monster just because the world around you sucks.” Belle says with a gentle smile, she reaches out and places her hand on my cheek, then looks me in the eye to say “You have the right to be human, too” I . . . I do? But, How? Why? Everything I’ve been through this last year... this last lifetime proves otherwise... 

“What if I can’t?” Her smile deepens, gets warmer. Fills with love and kindness. 

“I helped one monster find his humanity again. I can help you too.” Tears stream down my face as the rest of the tea party guests unite behind this proclamation.  

 

-Whatrealityisthisagain

 

EMDR: Building Together

How this session started, I'm not really too sure... it may have been my "adult figures" issues; or rather, the lack thereof. 

 

My last 2 times of going into the EMDR trance are what I recall the most clearly still. 

 

I was on the beach, just me and Maurice at first. We were gathering anything and everything we could, and using every tool imaginable to build . . . something. I couldn't figure it out, even though I was helping. We were just focused on building. Whatever it was, it was huge! To the point that we had to start climbing to put together a third of the way up. 

 

We'd nail pieces here, glue pieces there, tie things together, I had to fight Maurice for the welder cause he was beyond intrigued with it but I wanted to weld too damnit!!

 

We found scrap metal and broken glass, floating branches, rocks and plants, and other just random objects that we added to our structure. Again. We used anything and everything.

 

After a moment of just me and Maurice, Belle showed up. Then Wonder Woman, followed by the rest of my support team trickling in after. My sisters and friends came next, then people I despise, people I don't know too well, and people I haven't seen in years! Any character or person that came into my life appeared to add to the structure we were building. Some added something small, others added something large.

 

At this point, I was extremely curious as to what we were building but couldn't get a clear picture. 

 

 

********************************************************************************

 

 

After a moment longer, I opened my eyes to tell my Therapist and then went back in. 

 

This time while we were finishing up the structure, I found a way to get a wide view of it from above and just...  *mind blown*...

 

I watched a few people add just a few more touches to a structure... of me.... 

 

The thing we-everyone who's had any impact on me and my life- were building... was me. Everyone added a piece to me. Without them, despicable to spectacular, I wouldn't be ... me. 

 

I stood in awe until only my support team and Maurice were left, and we just stood there together marveling at our work and wondering: what do we use for my eyes? 

 

As we all stood around wondering, a force passed through us and formed in my replica's eye sockets. Naturally, I gazed into the newly formed eyes, I saw a never-ending system of stars and nebulae, and black holes and planets and so much more! I saw the never-ending universe in my eyes. 

 

Then the moment changed, and I was alone on the beach in front of my sculpture watching the beautiful sunset. I was in such awe that I just couldn't even be freaked out or upset that people I can't stand helped build me! My illusions of being alone changed while I sat there, and I felt some powerful presences join me. One was the universe and that just filled my eyes (in a feminine presence this time). She joined me in silence, but embraced me with a comforting blanket-hug to keep me safe and warm, and . . . a sense of understanding is the best word I can think of. Then other presences join like Ganesh, the Horned God, the Mother Goddess Isis. And others I couldn't tell just who or what they were, but I knew they were watching over me. And that they were with me as well. The overwhelming calm and contentment made me want to stay forever, surrounded by these powerful and loving beings!

 

But, I opened my eyes. 

 

 

********************************************************************************

 

 

When I told my Therapist about this added experience, we were both speechless for a moment. 

 

When I left the office, I still felt the presences from the beach and had a feeling of completeness that I'd never dreamed of! 

 

-Whatrealityisthisagain

 

<-- To The Left

When recording these moments, I usually focus on the activity. I've been reading through these sessions as I post them and have realized that I haven't been giving you the full magick of the experiences. I haven't explained to you the feeling of the breeze wisping through my hair or the sand beneath my feet, and squishing between my toes (I never wear foot prisons to the beach). I've yet to explain the birds singing all around, or the waves crashing against the shore! The smell of the salty air, the foaming paths left behind by the waves. In this one especially, the immense focus while hammering nails, breaking pieces of glass, laughing as Maurice first watched me weld the slightly rusted sheet (probably an old boat shell) to the anchor and with my friends and family, the friction of the ropes as they carried us and our equipment to our next destination with the pullies we'd put together. I'm pretty sure there was a sand fight at one point. I've been holding out on you my friends! And for that, I'm truly sorry! That said, I'll be sure to leave side notes so as not to rip you off again ;D

To The Right -->

This one ends abruptly, but . . .

WOAH!!!!

 

EMDR: Dungeon

So,

 

There I was, in a barren grey room. There was a slight chill reminding me of a castle dungeon, but a feeling of peace was in that breeze. This room truly was barren; there was no furniture, no decorations, just an empty room with floating frames reflecting each of my sisters. I thought, at first, that these were mirrors reflecting each of them - A double-sided mirror if you will. They were each moving, and going about their days as normal. Each with different tasks, each with a different goal. It was then that I realized these weren't mirrors reflecting what was behind me, but windows showing me what was right in front of me. Windows into their worlds, into each of our different worlds, but each on the same solid earth.

 

To my right, something caught my attention in my peripheral vision, so I turned my head to see Mrs. Potts who smiled and nodded in approval. I looked to the windows and back to the corner doorway that was now full of my entire support group. All with approving smiles; some nodding, some with a thumbs up, other with a simple and powerful gleam in their eyes as they watched. 

 

"This damn well better not mean you're leaving me!" I told them

 

"No. We'll always be with you." Who said this? I can't say for sure as it seemed they all said it at once and yet separately. 

 

********************************************************************************

 

I opened my eyes and relayed this to my therapist, then went back to my new little dungeon room. 

 

"Do I go through all this again?" I wondered as I gazed at the floating windows. 

 

Then I reached through one.

 

It had a gelatinous yet dry texture when my fingertips reached its surface. It rippled slightly as I climbed the rest of the way through it. Then I was in one of my younger sister's room. She was painting in her coveralls, oblivious to my entrance. So I looked around and saw a multitude of windows leading to different people and places; some I knew, most I did not. 

 

Then her twin walked in through her own window. The window to her twin's life disappeared as we were all in the same space, but even more windows appeared with her entrance. I then jumped from there to my older sister's window, and from there to our younger sister's. Each of us had our own places, our own sets of windows.

 

In the dark corners as I jumped was a member or more of my support group, just as they promised.

 

And perhaps, members of my sisters'. 

 

After my youngest sister's window, I found myself returning to my own room only to see my own number of windows had grown! There were now countless windows floating in an abstract and unorganized manner. I turned in my room and looked up to the mirrors floating above me, admiring my beautiful chaotic mess of windows. My support group members appearing between them as my eyes shifted from mirror to mirror. 

 

I nodded with a grin, and opened my physical eyes.

 

-Whatrealityisthisagain

 

EMDR: Revisiting the Flashbacks... and More

I closed my eyes and the flashback started. Dracula appeared as always a mere second or 2 in, throws the man off me, and flies me away wrapped in his cape. 

. . .

 

That's not right, my therapist told me to recall the flashbacks.

 

Now the man is penetrating and my friend is - the man just got flung across the room. AANNDD, here's Dracula again. Oh! Wonder Woman just broke through the ceiling and threw my friend -

 

Hold up Whatrealityisthisagain, let's try another-

 

Dracula again. Another. Dracula and Wonder Woman.

 

I start going through flashbacks in rapid succession - all having similar outcomes. Dracula comes first. Sometimes Wonder Woman comes. . . Within a few seconds, I've gone through many of my flashbacks and open my eyes. 

 

********************************************************************************

 

My therapist is happy, and we both laugh at my retelling of the very stubborn Dracula and Wonder Woman. 

 

"So . . . am I supposed to hold them back? Cause Wonder Woman would have to hold Dracula back because I'm not that strong, and I don't know who'll hold her back..." 

 

"Don't hold him back, let's do this again and let Dracula come in." 

 

"Okay" 

 

********************************************************************************

 

I go back in and go through a few more flashbacks. Some with just Dracula, others with Wonder Woman. Some I see the 2 that raped me being thrown, others I'm already being flown away and looking over Drac's shoulder to wave at Wonder Woman. When I was being flown away at one point and looking at Wonder Woman, I noticed she was looking back at me with a promise.

 

********************************************************************************

 

I open my eyes to tell my Therapist. It's odd that I'm comfortable with Dracula - who is a man - flying away with me, but not Wonder Woman . . . My Therapist gives me a suggestion:

 

What if I let one play through? 

 

It starts the same, a flashback of the horror, but doesn't last long. Dracula has me in his arms within seconds. Wonder Woman is there a split second later. I'm once again wrapped in Dracula's cape, but this time before we leave I watch Dracula and Wonder Woman's silent eye conversation. Even I understand what they're communicating. Wonder Woman will take care of this mess, and Dracula will take care of me. The absolute anger and danger in her eyes feel me with a sense of calm and security. Dracula offers me comfort clothes such as jogging pants, but I wear a t-shirt and jeans. These make me feel comfortable, and I sit in his arms on a cliff as we watch the stars together. 

 

********************************************************************************

 

I open my eyes and tell my therapist. I go in again. 

 

I go through the same similar start. Horror isn't given a chance to sink in, and then Dracula and Wonder Woman show up. I'm flown away wrapped in Dracula's cape and he says "let's get you dressed" ... "where do you keep getting all these clothes??" He smiles and we fly a different way. Of course it's at his castle, I laugh. But he carries me through his castle and down to his dungeon. 

 

... 

 

It's my room of windows! 

 

But now, it has clothes instead. 

.. 

 

"WHOA!" I look at him in shock and he smiles a sharp toothy grin. 

 

********************************************************************************

 

I open my eyes to tell my therapist, and we both sit there in awe. 

 

"It seems to me like Wonder Woman has the harder job" My Therapist says

 

"And it makes me feel safer because I know they can't get passed her!" 

 

"Yes!" 

 

"I WIN!" I say. 

 

"Yeah you did!" My Therapist replies. "Wanna do it again?" 

 

"I don't know. I feel like it just keeps adding to the events haha" 

 

"Let's do it again. Just one more time." 

 

"Okay" 

 

********************************************************************************

 

For some reason, this time I couldn't pinpoint a single of those flashbacks, so I end up in my suffocating fog. I'm alone and my "friend" has just texted me to say "I can't believe this is all it took to destroy our friendship" and I poured my heart out telling her about my fog and hallucinations. And she turned it all back on me. The fog was thickening and everything around me was getting more muffled. I was sinking further. 

 

. . . 

 

But . . . what's that? 

 

A silhouette was getting closer to me... and.. getting MORE defined! I look around and everything is still blurry and muffled, but the figure getting closer is getting more clear!

 

It's Mrs. Potts! (In her human form) and she sits with me! In the fog . .. Another memory of the fog follows up, and now it's Belle next to me! Then I'm crying alone on my floor because no one is listening! No one is taking time for me and I'm fading fast. I don't have the strength to get to my bed, I don't have the strength for much of anything anymore! And then a hand starts stroking my hair... What the? I'm laying on someone's lap! I look up, and it's Belle, sometimes John Wick or Wonder Woman, and sometimes Mrs. Potts or another member of my support group. But not Dracula... I find myself in bed with my hand over the side BEGGING the monsters underneath to take me away, and a hand does intertwine with mine! I look over to see Dracula's hand in mine.

 

I go through more memories of my fog, and my support group is in each. And. Every. One! Even though everything around me is still blurred. All the sounds are still muffled. I still can't feel my feet on the ground, but I can SEE them clearly! I can hear them just fine! I can feel each time they strike my hair, each time they reach out their hands, each time they embrace me in a loving and safe hug. 

 

********************************************************************************

 

I open my eyes crying for the first time this session and tell my Therapist. I tell him what happened this time. 

 

"I wasn't alone"

 

 

-Whatrealityisthisagain

 

<-- To The Left

How can so many dots connect at once? 

How can there be so fucking many deep realizations and "FINALLY"s in such a short time? 

Doing what people always told me not to do?

Magick! That's how. 

JK, it's EMDR Therapy performed by a professional!

Which, Hey, who am I to say it's not it's own form of Magick?

To the Right --->

Just... Really? And! Yup. My brain is a complicated place my friends! 

My therapist is an amazing man! 

 

And I'm pretty sure he's a wizard or psychic or something (see below)

EMDR: Suicidal Thoughts

Let me start this documentation of events off by saying, I had my therapist CRACKING UP today. 

Last week, I let him know - at the end of the session cause I’m sneaky like that - that I’ve been having suicidal thoughts again. 

At the beginning of this session - didn’t even let him start the session - I gave him my over thinking analysis of what I felt was a lot of the reasoning behind my drama at the moment. Long story short, the bloody flood gates of hell are opening next week and I’m PMSing. I’ve also been disasosiating hard core today, and felt that my PMS could also be a huge part of that. All of which he agreed with, and then handed me the EMDR tools to work through them. :’D

So the first time I go under, all I see is words, and all the feelings come up associated with them. Deep in the EMDR trance, I realize that 1. I'm competitive as hell; 2. I’m lonely; 3. My sisters are holding onto an old version of me, and not willing to get to know the me that I am now. 

1. Competitive: No one is willing to try to understand how I really am mentally. Instead they constantly ignore me, tell me I'm overreacting, or to just get over it. So naturally, I want to show them how wrong they are. I can't cut them out (even though they can be toxic as hell) because then I’m the bad guy and still over reacting; whereas, dying shows them really just how honest I’m being. Also how I don’t want to live if I have to cut off the people who have always been the most important to me. And that I didn’t win my battle over my fog just to lose my sisters.

2. Loneliness hurts. Even now, I feel that I could call every contact in my phone to find someone to hangout with or talk to for a moment and no one would pick up or have time. It's happened quite a few times before. Yes, I've fought alone forever, but I don't want to anymore. It's not worth it. 

3. I've mentioned this before, but I've done a 180° in my personality. I used to be shy, submissive, and outspoken. I couldn't say no. Ever. I did everything I could not to hurt anyone; physically or emotionally. Not even the people hate. And I changed depending on who I was with. Not just personality wise, but belief wise. I was whoever they wanted me to be. Now I'm not. Now I'm assertive. I'm bold and opinionated. I'm an Omega that protects my loved ones and myself, but will tear someone to pieces without hesitation. I feel as though my sisters are holding onto who I was, and aren't willing to get to know who I've become. 

That's my assumption though, I told my therapist. We *my sisters and I* are all so focused on our own problems that we’re not willing to honor each other's. And EVERYTHING is taken WAY to fucking personally. Anything any of us say can and will be manipulated and twisted into something fucked up and horrible. Because of that, it’s hard as hell to find anything at all to say without starting a raging fire, so I've decided I might as well just say what I mean and get torn apart for saying that. 

I ended that trance by telling my therapist that I very much so over analyze everything. Which he nodded and laughed at.

My next transe I started thinking that it would probably be easier without me, but before I could finish the thought I laughed in my head because I know it wouldn’t be easier just doable. My support team tried to come in, but it wasn’t time for them yet, so I had to shoo them away. 

I felt all this strongly in my chest; in my heart area. It hurt, weighed down, itched like crazy, and felt raved.

Went back in again and not only felt, but saw red threads attached to my heart that my sisters were pulling. With each emotion I had or that flowed through me, they pulled harder and it. HURT! Fucking. Bad. But I realized that as they pulled and as the emotions grew, the pain was being pulled up my throat, and would be pulled out through my mouth if it kept going. 

I told this to my therapist, and he got that "we're getting there" twinkle in his eye. 

Went back in and felt loneliness again. How even though I’m surrounded by family again, I can’t ever rely on them. Even when I was going through my absolute WORST situations and would call for help, everyone had something more important to do. Or they just plain out didn’t answer. I didn’t want to fight alone but did.

And it hurts that I still have to.  

That brought to the surface how I’m just so tired of fighting and just want peace from all this shit, and even though we’ve worked on it, it just keeps coming back! I don’t want to keep up with these fights to the point that having suicidal thoughts aren’t scaring me anymore, but relaxing me. THAT’S scary. 

When I told my therapist this, he told me to focus on the peace I was feeling, and bring in my support group members. I couldn’t decide on who, so we decided to let it be a surprise. 

And a surprise it was my friends. It wasn’t even one of my support team members that appeared, but Lo-and-behold! It was Ganesh. 

My first thought?

“Fuck.”

If you don’t know my Ganesh experience, it’s documented on here somewhere and is really fucking bad ass if I do say so myself. If you DO know my Ganesh experience, let me blow your mind again. 

In the same clearing, next to the same diamond sprinkled spring, Ganesh was sitting at the edge of the spring in all his normal-looking-meduim-sized-elephant glory, and I went to sit next to him. He just smiled at me because he knew that I knew why he was there. To remind me I wasn’t alone, and remind me that I’m strong. Then the rest of my support team and the Universe sat beside me. I felt other presences, but who fucking knows who they were. I’m sure one of them was my Grim Reaper. 

I opened my eyes and told my Therapist that this whole “Support Group” thing wasn’t fair because all they ever do is prove me wrong damnit. And this made him laugh again. Jerk. Who I fucking love because DAMN! That man is Fucking awesome. 

I went in one last time, and everyone was still there. What was the first thing I did this time you ask?

I looked at Ganesh and said “You’re an asshole” which he responded to me by grinning - his smile was slightly terrifying with teeth exposed and the tusks, but oddly cute and adorable too - like the amazing wonderful asshole he is that keeps reminding me that I’m not ever alone. 

The rest of my support team was also still there, because why wouldn’t they be there reveling in my period-brain-melt-down-moment to share my humiliation? Just kidding, it was actually all really touching and-you guessed it-mind blowing, and just plain amazingly beautiful! I leaned over against Ganesh’s leg and we all chilled around the pond reveling in support and not being alone.

I hate being wrong, but hate loneliness more hahahaha!

-Whatrealityisthisagain

Worse than Hell

I didn't feel like this one was long enough for a big section like my other sessions have had, but I really needed to include it! 

The day of my Uncle's funeral, my therapist called an hour after the services to say he had an opening. (He didn't know my Uncle passed)

Me: it hurts like Hell! But not worse than Hell, ya know? Like, yeah everything is falling apart, and it sucks! But also, it's not one freak accident after another.

Later that session:

Me: they started a fight today before the funeral and because of that I wasn't able to go to the viewing and say goodbye. That's how I accept everything, but I didn't get that because everyone was fighting and it hurt like Hell-
Therapist: but not worse than Hell.
Me: ...
Me: Yeah!

*this is our new thing 🤣*

-whatrealityisthisagain

Therapist

<-- See -->

My Therapist is magickal!

Grandma Carolyn

In therapy today, for the first time since she passed away, I was able to remember and picture what Grandma Carolyn was like before getting sick.
It's like a blackhole was sucking all of her memories from me, even when she was sick I couldn't remember what she was like before and it scared me. Since she passed away, the only memories I could ever bring up of her clearly without having to fill in words or tell myself aloud times spent with her, were of her last day. Or so sick she walked even worse than normal.
I've missed her so much, and was so torn not even being able to remember the strong powerful woman she was and I hated myself for it.
She didn't become the bad ass woman she was for me to remember her in her worst and final days. To not be able to recall her voice, or the LOOK in her eyes when she just KNOWS and you're in deep shit. Or the blunt and absolute feisty advice 😂 teaching us how to make people pee purple 🤣😂🤣😂🤣
But today.
Today I can see all that again.
I can hear her voice again.
See her smile.
Remember so much of the advice she gave.
I got to see my grandma, and remember who she really was today for the first time since she got sick.
I feel like that black hole is gone. . . It's so wonderful! I've missed her so much, and didn't even have memories to help comfort me until now.
💜💜💜💜💜
Thank you Doctor Potts. Thank you so much for bringing my Grandma back to me 💜

-Whatrealityisthisagain