What Reality Is This Again?

Let the Magick Begin


Do you Believe in Magick?

I do. Here's why . . . 



These are all things that happened to me personally. 

When Did I Start Practicing?

I'm so glad you asked!

Growing up my Grandmother practiced witchcraft, but I didn't start practicing until 2017 after being raped and giving up on the world and its fuckery.

But am I Sure?


And no, I was not on drugs


‘Neith the eclipsing moon I sat. Tiny dagger in one hand, plain carved wand in the other. A green candle alit, its flame flickering before me next to the small ceramic elephant purchased that same day… My eyes remained closed, so I could imagine a forest in front of me, around me. That’s how it was supposed to work. Imagine yourself in a forest the ritual said and imagine a magnificent elephant charging through the trees to you. When he reaches you, imagine the divine being lifting you onto his back with his trunk and charging through the thickened forest. As he runs, use the knife or anthem to cut the branches from your path - each branch an obstacle holding you back. I’ve never had problems imagining anything. I was picturing all of this crystal clear before reaching my little clearing in the outskirts of town. I went through the ritual in my head and before sitting under the full moon on the night of the lunar eclipse. I was even adding words to some of the branches when I pictured what I’d do when the time was right and imagined as some of them scraped across my skin while we charged through them, but as I sat there … no new image came to my mind. I tried so hard to see a forest around me, an elephant with majestic cloths draped atop him and strings of jewels decorating his godly form coming to me to aid me in cutting down my obstacles. To give me strength. But every time I tried to conjure a forest - it would flicker into view for a nanosecond, then return to the small canyon clearing I sat in. I gave up - I thought - but don’t remember if I opened my eyes or not. I was just staring off into the distant trees, a very small line of them behind the 3 or 4 spaced out around my clearing. I was getting ready to look back at the moon and watch my beautiful eclipse when I spied movement. I squinted into the darkness - my night vision is usually impeccable - and watched a large silhouette become more defined as it got closer. I just sat there in a stupor as the elephant approached me. Not a giant, decked out, glittering idle; but a plain grey elephant. He wasn’t draped in tapestries and colorful cloths, He wasn’t decorated in gems or golds. He was a medium-sized, naked, grey elephant with strikingly deep brown eyes. He was so much more beautiful than I ever dreamed possible. When he was in front of me, he turned back around and waited. I don’t know why, but I knew that I was to walk with him. He never spoke a word or made any other sign towards this conclusion. He just stood there and waited. So I got up and we walked. I didn’t know how to walk with a God, I’d never been around one before you see. So I tried to trail behind a bit, but he only slowed with me. We walked beneath the eclipsing moon, passed the few trees between my car and the thicket of trees. We walked slowly through the patches of dried grass, uneven dirt, and pockets of weeds. I could feel the rocks through my shoes, the bugs flying and jumping around me, and feel the cattails catch to my pants as we walked the short distance in silence. He never let me fall behind, I never tried to lead. We walked side by side, shoulder to shoulder (if my shoulder would reach his, the top of my head was lower than his armpit). It was all relaxing, calming. I was able to breathe at ease walking side by side with Ganesh. His mere presence giving me peace. It didn’t even take half a minute to reach the trees, and only took a second to venture through them into a shining oasis. Like crossing through worlds, it went from night to day; from a cold uneven clearing next to a water tower, to a beautiful spring with a diamonds glistening on its surface under the sun and beautiful long green and blue grass flowing with the breeze. 
“That was a lot different than what I imagined…” Were the first words to come from my lips. 
“How?” His voice wasn’t a thunderous boom, or full of frightening power.
“Well, you were supposed to put me on your back, and we were supposed to charge through a forest while I cut down all the branches. But instead of that, you walked with me…”
“Why do you think that is?” He replied with a glint in his deep brown eyes.
“Well, to be honest it felt like you had me walk next to you to say that I’m not above or below you, and wouldn’t let me walk behind you because I’m not more or less than you. It felt like you were showing me that I’m equal to you and that there’s no more strength you could give me that I don’t already have.” Would I be torn to pieces or abandoned for my arrogance at these words? Would he laugh and tell me how stupid I was? I couldn’t even believe that I was saying the words … to a God … even if he was just in my head. At this point, I was convinced that he wasn’t though. I never had trouble guiding my own daydreams or imagined escapes.
But he nodded. 
He Nodded! 
Then we sat there. 
We sat there in silent awe and revelry as we watched the bugs play on the water, and the diamonds shimmer ‘neath the sun’s warm gaze until it was okay to leave. 
When I opened my eyes, I was in a small clearing, I held a tiny dagger in one hand, a plain carved wand in the other. A green candle’s flame flickered before me next to the small ceramic elephant smiling up at me with a gleam in His eye.  
Fast forward to a dark day. Not because of the weather, but in my own thoughts and heart. A day where doubts were overwhelming me and family was making it worse. A day where I was curled on my bed barely able to breathe with tears burning my face until I was dried and too exhausted to do anymore. My elephant stared at me, and I stared back. “help” was all I could say, though it was barely a whisper. Then my phone rang. 
“Hi, beautiful! How are you?” my friend said. 
“To be honest, I’m having a shitty day. Depression is kicking my ass, and my family is only making it worse.”
I explained to her the doubt I was being given, explained the hurt I was feeling, the lists I had written. And she gave me the most amazing advice! 
“Customer service their asses”
“Tell them you appreciate their feedback and will take it into consideration.” I wasn’t dry after all because I could cry tears of laughter no problem! And my Elephant’s eye even twinkled for a blink, just long enough to let me think I could have imagined it. 
A month after that, the darkness was back. The fear that my fighting was worth no reward, the haunting whispers of failure beating me back down a hole. My savings were almost gone, my bills still needed to be paid. I’d just taken my dog to the vet for an emergency bump, I was a hindrance to everyone, but couldn’t seem to find a new job. I wanted to scream, wanted to throw things and break them. “A little help would be nice” I said to the ceramic elephant on my little alter. A lot of good it would do, He may not even be real. And even if He was I wasn’t worth his time. There were nicer, more worthy people who didn’t question his existence. Besides, he’s already helped me enough, why would he want to help me aga-
My phone began to ring. Caller ID told me it was one of the places I had interviewed. I answered. I got a second interview. When the call was over, my elephant had a smug smile, his gleam was still present in his eye. 
My phone rang again. 
Another second interview. 
Then it rang twice more after that. 
My elephant almost looked like he was laughing, his eye giving its little twinkle as mine swelled with tears. I had 3 second interviews and one first. “Thank you” I told him, once again barely a whisper. A warming embrace seemed to engulf me. 
A week later, I had a job. 


Crazy vs Sane

Sister: I was telling a friend your Ganesh Story!

Me: Oh yeah? What'd he think? 

Sister: Well, he's really bigoty so...-

Me: So he thinks I'm crazy?

Sister: You are crazy. 

Me: That's true! But sane people don't get to meet Gods, so who's really winning here? 

Uncle Jeff: The Wizard

Side note: My Uncle Jeff is a Wizard. 

When he came to a work party with me, he told me I was going to win a laptop. I didn't believe him, and the first name called wasn't mine. But that person wasn't at the party. The second, third, and fourth names weren't mine either. But none of them were their to claim the prize. The fifth name? Yup, that was mine. 

Quite a few months later, I was interviewing for a job with the State. At first it didn't really seem like I was going to get it. So I texted my Uncle Jeff, he responded "I Believe!". I got the job. 

I was joking with him a few weeks after my training started about how he won me a laptop and got me the job with the State, and said he should tell the universe to send me money. *side note I was doing a 401k rollover that they said they'd send checks through the mail to me so that I could forward to them* ANYWAY! Uncle Jeff knew about that and jokingly said "I believe you'll get a check with hundreds of dollars on it in the next month in the mail" we both laughed and went on our way. 

Well, I did get the 401k checks, BUT ALSO got a BONUS check in the mail from a previous company for my customer satisfaction ratings that I didn't think I was gonna get!!!!

It was over $300. 


I was thinking about invoking Sekhmet (Egyptian Goddess of healing, woman, strength, etc) to help my Sister through a challenging time. 

I was a bit worried to just call on her because she's known to have a temper, and I didn't want to offend her in any way, shape, or form! So I started doing some research on her and found this little snippet. The following is the flow my brain-thoughts took: 

Me: west? 


(Sekhmet = fire) + (West=Water) = (Me = Very confused)

But!!!! On the other side of the world... our west is their east! But East... is air?!?!? !

Putting the idea of invoking Sekhmet on the back burner, I started researching the best moon phases to preform a ritual for my sister and one came up with Isis! Of course following this I was thinking of doing a divine sister invocation! Then I wondered again if that was okay... and if I could do it for all of my sisters!! 

Intrigued, I pulled a nightly Tarot (from my mystical beasts deck) and drew The Sun card. In this deck, The Sun is represented by a winged lion. 

I read the description, and it mentioned Sekhmet (Sun Goddess, with a Lioness animal form) directly 🤣😂🤣 

She told me it's all good to invoke her 

I love these guys



I really have no reason, want, or ability to not believe in Magick at this point. If I do, the universe and energies in it will just punch me in the face with more proof. 

They'll also probably full on fight me because I was choosing to be oblivious to their presences. 


With all of this crazy pandemic/apocalyptic craziness taking over the world, I've been ignoring all of my magickal practices for a hot minute. Being Quarantined is awful! To every extent of the word! But it did give me time to pause and reflect on if I should ask for help, and the motivation to pull a daily Tarot card. This card? The Knight of Pentacles in reverse(upside down). In this deck, this card is represented by an elf whose description is literally "Help from the Spirit Realm".

I felt like that was blunt enough, and did a Scrying+Tarot session that night.

This session didn't take nearly as long to focus into as my first did, and I immediately started seeing a fog-like cloud. I saw stars forming from the fog and think I watched a universe be born, then pulled a few cards and judgment was one of them.

Judgment had been stalking me for a while (I've pulled this card from in all of my reading from all of the different decks I've found! Oracle and Tarot alike!) and I started trying to figure out why. I asked if I was in trouble or something, and found out it was Anubis trying to reach me.

I'm pretty sure he used me as an anchor to climb from the underworld to properly communicate with me through the Scrying session!

I found he's been trying to communicate with me for a while through the judgement cards and various signs.

I'm still not too sure what the forming of a universe meant, but I did ask if we (the world) is going to be okay and if divine beings will help us through this craziness.

Guess what I drew. 

The Knight of Pentacles upright. 

I took this as a yes 😂



My first attempt at scrying was powerful and confusing until speaking with my sister the next day.


My first scrying session was a very last-minute decision. I got a pyramid mirror holder with an eye shape sculpted into it and a circular obsidian mirror for the pupil. I had no idea what scrying was. I thought it was just writing stuff down or something. So I read into a bit and found that I was very wrong. 


Scrying, to my understanding now, is the act of gazing into the past, present, or future; OR into the other realms. 


So what do I do as a newer practitioner that didn't even know what the word scrying meant?


Gazed into the other realms. *Keep reading, it gets better.*


So with my mirror came a little incantation to invoke the mirror's ability and only allow that - for the greater good - through. Along with that, I had sage at the ready, a black candle for protection, an incense with built-in protection, my statues of Ganesh, and all of my alter stuff and tools at the ready just in case. I may be rash, but not a complete fool 😜


So I turned off the lights, lit my candles and incense, invoked Ganesh and Isis and all my other stalker-protectors, and read my incantation. Then I gazed at the mirror and waited. 


... and waited...


I could see my reflection, which was kinda awkward, so I tried refocusing my eyes, but that wasn't helping with shit either. So I tried moving further away, which also didn't help! I ended up deciding "oh well" and just going with the flow. 


I was having a really hard time focusing on my mirror, but the smoke drawing across from my incense to candle flame was VERY eye-catching! Naturally, I decided to focus on that instead for a bit. 


Smoke has a magick all it's own. I love watching it dance, love watching as it flows and swirls playfully through the air, and the flame added to the dance beautifully! I was content watching the wisps make their beautiful shapes and felt that was enough from this ritual to at least give some peace and harmony to myself and surroundings.


The glowing fiery eyes looking back at me through my mirror had a different idea though. When I saw them after watching the harmonious smoke twirl through the air, I'll admit I was a bit shocked. She definitely knew that and disappeared, but I explained to her - if she was still listening - that it was a shock to see her and I'd love to chat if she didn't have evil or negative intentions. I also reaffirmed my invocation with Isis and Ganesh just in case, cause 🤷‍♀️ya never know. 


The eyes returned with a slight flicker of a skull (I forgot the skull part until the next day) then disappeared for the most part, but her presence stayed. She also flickered on and off the mirror throughout the session. 


Never having done this, I wasn't too sure what to do so I started just asking questions. 


Who are you? No answer. (I thought, but after talking to my sister the next day, a memory was triggered of a skull once more flashing in the mirror) 

Are you my guardian? No answer. (That I remember) 

Are you me? No. 

Are you with me? Yes. 

Do you have ill intent with me? No. 

How often are you with me? Always. 

Are you with me now? Yes. 


I could feel this being's power, and didn't quite trust her, but didn't distrust her either. To be safe though, I lit some sage and glanced at my Ganesh Idol. 


What do you want? The smoke immediately did a 90° change in course from going across the mirror to the candle on the other side, to swirling and dancing to me. 


So... you want me? A flash across the mirror was my answer this time. 


She asked to come through, but I refused her. No one gets to come through no matter who or what they are. That's my rule. 


*This next part I forgot until I talked to my sister the next day, and she triggered the memory back*


I still don't know who you are? You've flashed a skull and red eyes a few times so I'm pretty confident you have something to do with death. 



Is someone going to die? Yes.


Am I going to die? No. 


Is it grandma? [My grandmother is 92 and her health has been going bit by bit]No. 


Is it family? 




Is it a friend? 

Another flash of light across my mirror followed by thickening smoke. 


Is it someone I know now? 



Is it someone I will know?

Flash of red-fire eyes (which I took to mean yes)


*I can't remember if there was more to that, but the rest I remembered before talking to my sister*


My flickering candle distracted me for a moment, so I looked at the flame, then back to my mirror and saw a shadowy figure standing right behind me where the eyes would flicker on and off before instead of the imprinted flame that would usually follow. 


Oh. Hello! You still can't come through. 



.... *awkward silence*


Sorry about the interrogation... I'm very new at this and wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do... *my customer services training screaming at me internally*

.... *silent humor*


... So you're always with me...

Flash of fire eyes= Yes


Have you always, always been with me? 

Yes *I could feel her gleaming smile of anticipation then the smoke caught my eye again*


Were you with me in my fog? 

Yes *here I lost it. I knew this presence felt familiar! And now I knew why! She was there through my hell! And she was there even further than hell and it's demons dared to venture with me. 


Her shadow appeared again in the reflection, I'm not sure if her eyes appeared with the shadow or after it disappeared, but I almost remember her hand on my shoulder. 


Have you been protecting me? 



Thank you


I don't remember exactly how my transition went from there, she obviously didn't want me to remember everything - yet at least. 


I do remember closing the session, putting out my incense, turning on the light, and blowing out my candle. I believe the Guardian of the west helped me close the session because my black candle was out and I magickally had a blue candle that was never lit during the session when reading the closing incantation. 


I then turned out the light, and not a moment after getting under my covers my older sister sends me a text of a purple sunset. The message with it:

"A purple sunset 💕 gramma is waving at you from NZ"


My grandma passed away 5ish years ago. 


Do I think the presence was my grandma? At first, yes. But not anymore.


The next day, I called my younger sister and told her about it. I explained the eyes that weren't red persay but made of fire and the shadow behind me. I didn't get too far in before she said:

"That sounds like a Grim Reaper"


... 🤯 THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!*this is where the memories of talking to "Death" came back* OH MY GOD JESSE YOU'RE A GENIUS!! 


Then more memories came back. 


My fog that I always hated because it took away ALL of my energy and splotches of time from me was her. Maybe not all her, but her presence was definitely the most potent in the fog. 


She was the reason I felt trapped in a thick bubble full of - you guessed it - a suffocating fog. Blocking EVERYTHING out. Sounds were muffled as if being spoken through warped glass or a closed door. The world around me was smokey and blurred, and I could never focus my eyes to get a clear picture. I couldn't feel my feet on the ground. When I walked, it felt like I was floating, but I also couldn't stay in the moment to experience the walk between destinations. I couldn't smell or taste. I didn't have the energy to do anything outside of autopilot. To lift a knife, or look for pills I didn't flush before getting bad. To be able to drive off that cliff or jump off the edge of the mountain. 


When I did have the energy? 

I jumped through time. Literally. One moment I was lying in my bed wondering if I'd get sleep, the next I was at my desk halfway through the workday. One second I was cutting something for dinner and admiring the knife, the next I was in my driveway After work the next day.


In addition to that, I realized that she was my companion in the dark. When I'd cry alone in my room, she was the force that hugged me when no one else would/could. 

When I held my hand over the side of my bed at night begging for the demons to drag me to Hell or anywhere but here, hers was the hand that reached to hold mine instead. 

Going back further, I realized she really was always there! Even in my younger days, when I wouldn't let anyone know that I was suicidal. When I'd hide it with a smile. She was the one that gave the specks of hope. In my fog, even in the worst moments, she was the one that gave me atom-sized specks of hope that made me hold on for just a split second more. For my papers to be signed. For me to finally just say what I want. For me to finally be me


My fog wasn't my torture...

It was my savior. 

My Grim Reaper, was my savior. 



Masculine Aspect

Me for 21ish(give or take) years as a firm believer in the Christian God: Hi Daddy! (referring to “God/Heavenly Father”) (Also always goes to presence for advise and comfort)

Daddy: Hi Amber! *Insert profound wisdom/advice here* (Gives comfort and love)

Me at 21ish-22ish after loads of research scientifically and in old myths and legends (oddly enough the stories in the bible match stories that came before by quite a few Melania. They were also written much earlier than the supposed “events” in the bible took place. Also, science): Well this is a load of horse shit. 

Daddy: Hi Amber! I have advice!

Me: Go away. I don’t believe in you anymore. 

Daddy: *Proceeds to be a there always* 

Me: “Proceeds to try to ignore**This is very difficult*

Me after a mental breakdown from 22ish-24ish and the research/practice of Energies/Magick; while also applying scientific research and knowledge (mostly astronomy) to this research/practice: Go away christian god! You’re just my subconscious trying not to let go of something I’ve believed in most of my life! You’re not real! Just a reflex!

Daddy: *Sadness* 

Me: *feels guilty but also doesn’t want to linger in past*

Also me when I keep getting “see your truth” messages from cards/universe/signs and such: WHY CAN’T I FIGURE OUT WHAT MY TRUTH IS!!! *asks friend*

Friend after a few questions and pictures of readings: You’re spiritually blocked and its masculine. 

Me after masculinity has also been stalking me as well for a few years: *researches “reaching for the masculine within”. First article: Contact your inner Father* FUCK! I’M SORRY DADDY!!!

Daddy: It’s about damn time! I’ve been sending messages left and right!